December 4th, 2008
Matt Shea is an occasional contributor to waycooljnr and a regular contributor to The Cool Hunter, Scene Magazine and a part-time copywriter for the man. He can be contacted at matchessheabo@gmail.com
In the digital age of music, turntablism has remained a bastion of the analogue, a smoky backroom where arguments over white labels, pick-ups and the merits of the ‘S’-shaped tone arm are the order of the day. Now, with the rise and rise of the CD Deck and the laptop, the traditional turntable’s days may perhaps be numbered. With this in mind, Passion of the Weiss gets retrospective, thinking about hip-hop, turntablism and the best analogue turntable from each decade.
1970s – Technics SL-1200
The early days of hip-hop: steaming Bronx nights; bumping block parties; speaker stacks pulling their power through city lampposts. Herc with his sound system; Bam with his records; Flash with his technique. The
Bronx was being sliced and diced by this holy trinity of hip-hop, yet hardly anybody outside of the borough had heard of them or their oddball brand of music. Facilitating this musical revolution was the Technics SL-1200 turntable. As opposed to the belt-driven turntables of the time - the ‘jumpers’ and the ‘drag masters’ - the SL-1200 was a direct-drive turntable, with its platter bolted straight on to a high-torque motor. It was the only turntable that could withstand visceral nature of the scratch and not then cast a DJ adrift in the middle of a beat. Despite originally being marketed as a domestic hi-fi turntable, the SL-1200 immediately found its real home in the club, on the block and in the dusty cabs that would race in between, it’s reputation for durability quickly equalling it’s talent for supple stage manoeuvres. In the later part of the decade, as hip-hop began to come to the boil, it was the SL-1200 that the DJs were using to stir the pot. USERS & ABUSERS: Grand Master Flash, Afrika Bambaataa, DJ Kool Herc, Grand Wizard Theodore, DJ Breakout DJ Kool Herc.
There may be arguments over who invented hip-hop, but there is little denying that it was DJ Kool Herc who discovered the electricity of the breakbeat. Identifying strongly with the b-boys who would wait on the sidelines at his gigs until a song’s break came in, Herc began to experiment by playing just the breaks, one straight after another. His mixing technique may have been rudimentary, with Herc simply fading from one record to another whilst he talked over the transition, but seeing him through was his intimidating record collection and an outrageous speaker set, dubbed the Herculords. The crowds couldn’t get enough and the first spark of hip-hop was struck.
1980s – Technics SL-1200 MK II
As the 70s drifted into the 80s, so too did hip-hop start to drift out of the Bronx, on to the island of Manhattan, and then beyond. It may have been the Sugar Hill Gang’s ‘Rapper’s Delight’ that started hip-hop’s exploration of the charts, but it was Grand Master Flash and the Furious Five’s ‘The Message’ that blew the door down, it’s stark and angry lyrics ticking the box of cultural significance that mainstream rock critics valued so highly.
This was the decade that the pioneers came into their own – Flash with ‘The Message’ and Bam with ‘Planet Rock’ – but it was also the decade that they passed the baton on to a second wave of hip-hop artists, whose continuing innovation helped secure a place for the genre in music’s mainstream. With uncanny timing, Technics helped facilitate hip-hop’s explosion in popularity, updating the SL-1200 in 1979 with the release of the SL-1200 Mk II.
The first dedicated deck for DJs, the Mk II is the dreadnought of turntables, seemingly indestructible in a physical sense whilst obliterating all comers function wise for the best part of two decades. Compared to its older sibling, the MK II brought with it significant improvements to the drive system, tone arm, and added a slider for greater pitch control. The SL-1200 Mk II was so good that competition was virtually nonexistent. The only entrants into the market simply peddled cheap imitations that excelled only in looking exactly like the Mk II. Just as hip-hop cemented its place in the musical mainstream, so too did Technics cement its position in the burgeoning culture, the SL-1200 Mk II becoming the professional DJ’s only weapon of choice for many years to come.
USERS AND ABUSERS: Grand Master Flash, Afrika Bambaataa, Grandmixer D.ST, Jam Master Jay, Jazzy Jeff, Eric B
Grand Master Flash:
Flash is fast, Flash is cool. Herc may have discovered the breakbeat, but it was Grandmaster Flash who took this peculiarity of the Bronx block party and turned it into a truly new form of new music. Flash was the technician of the turntable, inventing the Quick Mix theory and the Clock Theory. He was also extremely competitive, always chasing firsts, and when he witnessed ‘Rapper’s Delight’ race up the charts he was infuriated.
As the 80s kicked into gear and hip-hop exploded, Flash would have his revenge, not only with ‘The Message’ but also on ‘Adventures Of Grandmaster Flash On The Wheels Of Steel’ where he bamboozled listeners with seven minutes of hit-heavy quick mix electricity. Popular music’s horizons had just been expanded, and it was enough for Grand Master Flash to claim a place as perhaps the most important figure in the history of hip-hop.
1990s – Vestax PDX-A2s
While the scratch was invented in the 1970s, it wasn’t until the 90s that something close to a subgenre was built around its manipulation. Hands that would dash from record to cross fader and back again; fingers moving with Swiss-precision while speakers rocked to a pounding beat: it was ultimately realised that the hip-hop DJ’s skills were visual and visceral enough to be pursued as an end in themselves and so turntablism was born.
As the 1990s had rolled on, the relentless march of gangster rap had virtually drained hip-hop of the original party spirit that had kick-started the genre. Turntablism was in part a reaction to this, sidestepping the MCs and building on the techniques of the founding fathers of hip-hop. In the hands of the skilled turntablist, the record deck was finally transformed into a genuine musical instrument. While hip-hop in the mainstream had ceased to evolve, so too had the turntable. Technics, so long the dominant force in the market, had neglected to update the SL-1200 Mk II and as turntablism applied it’s DJ-centric demands on the manufacturers, the Japanese kingpin was slow to innovate.
As turntablism shifted the paradigm for what was required from a record deck, so too did a batch of companies rise to challenge Technics’ domination. Stanton, Numark and Gemini all expanded their product range, but at the end of 90s when Technics were lambasted for their disappointing update to the SL-1200 line, it was Vestax who provided the starkest contrast and most compelling alternative, releasing their scratch-friendly PDX-A2s on to the market.
While turntablists had succeeded in turning the record player into a solo instrument, Vestax succeeded in providing these beat-swapping magicians with the first turntable designed to be played as an instrument. This led to a number of its key features, foremost among them being its vertical orientation, dual start/stop keys and an anti-skip straight tone arm, which allowed for non-slip performance during even the most intrepid incarnations of mixing technique. The perfect battle-ready deck, the PDX-A2s turned out to be just the beginning for Vestax and their turntables remain at the forefront of the Technics killers.
USERS AND ABUSERS The X-ecutuioners, Mixmaster Mike, Invisibl Skratch Piklz, Scratch Perverts, A-trak, Grandmaster Flash.
Mixmaster Mike: Of all the turntablists to emerge in the 1990s, none had quite the impact of Mixmaster Mike. Teaming up with Q-Bert to destroy the DMC World Titles three years running from 1992-1994, Mixmaster Mike went on to become The Beastie Boy’s resident DJ. Mike’s audacious digit athleticism enthralled the Beastie’s audiences; the DJ was being noticed again and suddenly a whole new generation of fans was hooked on turntablism.
2000s - NUMARK TTX
As the new decade began, hip-hop also moved into a new era with the genre’s breadth increasing dramatically. While hip-hop culture continued to move further into the mainstream, turntablism, at one point in danger of becoming an esoteric footnote in the genre’s history, was saved by an ever-increasing hunger for the ‘old school,’ to which the tuntablists were scene as a direct link.
The turntablist DJ, by taking some of the spotlight away from the MC, was reminding fans of their hip-hop history and preserving the music’s roots in the process. As the DJ began to receive more exposure in a genre that was picking up a whole new generation of followers, so too did the turntable and the manufacturers move further into the spotlight. The innovation that had started in the 90s exploded in the new millennium. Vestax switched back to a conventional horizontal layout for it’s PDX-2000/2300 decks, which were laden with features and equipped with callus-cutting amounts of torque while
Stanton raised it’s game throwing another Technics beater into the game with the STR8-150. It was left to Numark, however, to create the deck that is now hailed as the true 1200 killer: the TTX USB. Bigger; faster; stronger: this was the philosophy Numark took when creating the king of all turntables. Improving on their earth-shattering TTX1 from early in the decade, Numark took the durability of the SL-1200 MK II and married it to the battle-ready features of the PDX-A2s, throwing in swappable tone-arms and dials, USB out, outrageous amounts of pitch control and knuckle-breaking torque for good measure.
Technics, perhaps seeing little need to change what to this day dominates clubs world-wide, made only minor upgrades to the SL-1200, releasing the MK VI in 2007 to an under whelmed market. Vestax continue to innovate, releasing their QFO hybrid turntable/mixer and promising an imminent release of their almost mythical musical instrument for DJs, the Controller One. It’s the TTX USB, however, with it’s feature set and tank-like construction that remains more than a match for any turntable produced since the turn of the decade. If analogue is indeed going to succumb to digital, vinyl’s death will be a glorious one when spinning on a Numark TTX USB.
USERS AND ABUSERS: Roc Raida, DJ Logic, Birdy, Nam Nam, Lil’ Mike DJ Logic:
As turntablism entered it’s second decade of existence, few have taken the art in such an interesting direction as DJ Logic. Logic’s work takes the almost scientific nature of turntablism and runs it through with the improvisational spirit of jazz. Indeed, Logic took the concept of the turntable as an instrument and introduced it to the jazz bandstand.
His approach produces music that is at the same time both experimental and infectious, without ever feeling dichotomous. Logic manages to flesh-out fully fledged pieces of jazz around the scratches and scribbles from his record deck and the result is a new take on turntablism that pushes the boundaries of hip-hop even further.
Download:
MP3: Grandmaster Flash-”The Adventures of Grandmaster Flash” (Left-Click)
MP3: Afrika Bambaataa-”Planet Rock”
MP3: DJ Q-Bert-”Five”
Posted in Matt Shea, Are You From the Lester Bangs School of Thought?, Best Of | No Comments »
December 3rd, 2008
After Universal Mind Control, I needed to be reminded that once upon a time the Neptunes actually served a purpose. Haven’t heard this track since Chad and Pharrell met Pusha and Malice, thus breaking the tender hearts of Philly’s Most Wanted, who were never heard from again. I was going to write an entire post about how this song provides the foundation for a sound immigration policy, but that seemed a bit over the top—even for me. Suffice to say, I’m willing to bet this is not the Minutemen’s favorite song (no D. Boon).
Posted in Videos, Are You From the Lester Bangs School of Thought? | 19 Comments »
December 3rd, 2008
If pressed to put a number on it, I’d wager that 73 percent of this blog’s readership views Soulja Boy as an avatar for the decline of Western Civ. As Maura rightfully pointed out yesterday, the kid’s got a penchant for inadverterantly sticking his diamond-encrusted Yums into his grill (I don’t want to know that means). And yes, roughly half his singles can charitably be described as migraine rap. But I’ve got to confess a certain partiality for the guy.* How much of it stems from my article on him earning inclusion in this year’s Da Capo series, I’m not sure. Truthfully, I’d probably defend Claus Von Bulow had he helped me get into the anthology.
I don’t exactly bump Soulja Boy regularly, but I enjoy “Crank That” for what it is and find “Turn My Swag On,” disturbingly catchy–though attempts to turn on my own swag have been lamentably dim. But I won’t argue with So Many Shrimp’s assertion that DeAndre Way attempts to make “the hardest, most nonconforming, most singular pop-rap around.” Of course, he doesn’t always succeed, but he’s at least original, which is more than I can say about turkeys like Rick Ross and Ron Browz.
Don’t get me wrong, Soulja Boy isn’t the performance artist of his generation and no sane person could ever mention him in the same breath as Andy Kauffman,** yet there’s something inherently likable to him. In person, he’s much savvier than you’d expect and openly admits his idolatry of Dave Chappelle. I mean, if you don’t think the above video for “Turn My Swag On” was trying to be funny, than you probably voted for Bob Barr.
Either way, I’m willing to cut the dude some slack, considering 18 months ago, he was a 16-year old living in his bedroom in Batesville, Mississippi–a town with just 7,000 people, a third of whom live below the poverty line. Without any help, he became a grassroots sensation, leveraged You Tube better than any other artist and plus, my 10-year old cousin, Taylor, likes him. Yes, she can probably crank that better than me. The interview, can be found at New York Magazine’s Vulture blog, which you should be reading if you aren’t already. B-sides after the jump.
* This does not mean I want to find out what passing it to Arab means.
*MTV call me. I can do better. Promise. I’ll even take back those nasty things I said about Carson Daly back in ‘01. Okay, that’s a lie.
NY Magazine Vulture Blog: Soulja Boy on How One Superman’s a Ho
Download:
MP3: Soulja Boy-”Turn My Swag On”
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted in NY Magazine | 15 Comments »
December 2nd, 2008
Give Wale credit for knowing how to fall back. The D.C. rapper/Mark Ronson bid for street cred has laid low since The Mixtape About Nothing led the blogosphere to declare him “real and spectacular.” Now with every Internet dork hunkering down to craft their year-end lists, flagon of Merlot and camembert* in hand, Wale has returned with a video for a song that leaked 15 months ago.
A weird decision, sure–but idiosyncrasy is a prime reason why the guy is worth watching in the first place. Judging from the Chris Robinson-directed clip and the song itself, the “Nike Boots” video exists beyond promotion, but as a way for Wale to trump his DMV roots. You’d have to ask Noz how faithfully it holds up, my D.C. experience is limited to a day at the Smithsonian and a dull, drunken night in Alexandria. But between the black and white grit, the cameos (Kid Capri, Bun B, 9th Wonder), the flashing Capital rotunda imagery, and the teeming crowds, Wale creates an aura of triumphalism.
It’s always been odd that the capitol’s never produced a major rap star. I once interviewed Izzy and while he was nice enough, dude claimed he was going to put D.C. on his back. Uh, not quite. Unless Wale gets busted under some obscure Good Samaritan law between now and next Spring, the district’s luck is bound to change.
* In the 90027, we go Diesel Kush and iced coffee.
Download:
MP3: Wale-”Nike Boots”
Posted in Videos | 6 Comments »
December 2nd, 2008
Sach O’s Chakras’ are on a hundred, thousand. Trillion.
It’s a testament to the artistry of Alice Coltrane’s Universal Consciousness that you can follow it up with her great-grand-nephew Flying Lotus’ experimental Hip-Hop album Los Angeles and forget which record was released just a few months ago. No, there aren’t any glitchy beats or dub bass, and the whole thing isn’t drenched in static; but Coltrane’s 37 year old masterwork sounds just as fresh and modern as any new recording, with ideas and techniques still being rediscovered by today’s experimental artists.
Released in the aftermath of Miles Davis’ 1971 triumph, Bitches Brew, Universal Consciousness looks outside the jazz world for inspiration but isn’t a typical 70’s fusion record either. Drawing on the drones of traditional Indian music rather than the bombast of 70’s guitar-Gods, Universal Consciousness projects a deep spirituality and next level musicianship that has been the goal of followers like the Soulquarians ever since. Things start off traditionally (well, relatively) with the title track and “Battle at Armageddon” delivering the kind of noisy virtuoso jazz workouts that might freak out newcomers. While excellent examples of the genre, these tracks are just appetizers for what’s to come. Things really pick up on “Oh Allah” which melds jazz drumming and soloing with an incredible string section and laid back atmosphere: equal parts weed session and acid freakout. Still, the B-Side wins again and it’s the record’s later moments that truly shine.
With titles like “Hare Krishna” and “Sita Ram”, you know we’re not in Kansas anymore. Coltrane finds inspiration in the slow drones and echoing repetition of Indian classical music but forgoes obvious clichés such as Sitar solos, drawing on her superb harp and organ playing instead. A fervent devotee of Eastern spirituality, Coltrane’s interest in Indian music was more than skin deep and she deftly highlights the music’s strengths for an outside audience without ever pandering. While achieved with comparatively little amplification, the results foreshadow the epic droning waves produced by Shoegaze astronauts The Spacemen 3 and ambient snoozers Boards of Canada with disorienting free soloing and a solid jazz rhythm section keeping things moving rather than anchored. “Gorgeous” is an adjective used for all too many sleepy records, as anything slow, moving, and tonal tends to bring out dream-like emotions in listeners–but this is the real deal: the sound may be epic but the arrangements are complex, precise and adventurous, pushing the boundaries of music forward. By the time you hit “The Ankh of Amen Ra”, the combination of avant-guard musicianship and spiritual ambience hits its peak, compelling you to play the record again. Suffice to say, this is good music.
Oh, and since I mentioned it, pick up FlyLo’s record too. If I made a Top 10 list for the year, that’d be on it.
Download:
MP3: Alice Coltrane-”Hare Krishna” (Left-Click)
MP3: Alice Coltrane-”Sita Ram”
Posted in Diggin' in the Digital Crates, Sach O | 4 Comments »
December 1st, 2008
Thanks to O-Dub for putting me onto this gleeful bit of idiocy.
- If one cannot convince Rihanna to leave her Caribbean Chris Brown love nest to writhe in your video, one must do the next best thing: get her low-budget, Kool-Aid haired, tatted up, Trinidad & Tobagian equivalent.
- If one is a Buddha monk boasting the nickname, Capo, and assessing wardrobe options for their annual champagne extravaganza, it is never a bad idea to rigorously scan the 1986 “Aspen Excursion” Winter Issue of the REI catalog for fashion tips.
- If one is an ascetic pilgrim with the name Juelz Santana, one must cultivate the “Tim Duncan” look. This way, people will perceive greatness instead of your reality: your life as the Sebastian Telfair of rap.
- In one’s quest to produce the most trite celebration of excess, one must go hard to make fun look so dull.
- If pondering ways to top the homo-eroticism of naming one’s crew, “Skull Gang,” the solution is green tea, zen meditation and a champagne-soaked, all-male wet t-shirt contest.
- If one is struck by the insatiable need to “get it on the freeway,” one must drive slow, no matter what they think of Kanye West.
- Stealing four bars from “Big Poppa” in the middle of a verse is always an amenable approach to earning airplay at Hot 97. See also the Tao of Sean Carter.
- If one must mock Lupe Fiasco and his spasmodic snake shimmy spectacular, one must do it well. Using the phrase, “No Lupe,” will suffice.
- Sex shall not be had in the champagne room unless it is had with Juelz Santana Freekey Zeekey, and/or Ron Burkle.
- When searching for a hook-man, satori can only be found from a singer who can serve as his own yin and yang: meaning, he must rip off Akon and T-Pain in equal measure.
- Pop champagne. Pop it hard. Pop it slow. Pop it when ballin’. Pop it when unemployment and economic turmoil are rife. Jones. Dipset for life. (No humble).
Download: (Because I can’t post a song as bad as “Pop Champagne” in good faith)
MP3: The Diplomats-”I Really Mean It”
MP3: The Diplomats-”Who I Am”
Posted in Are You From the Lester Bangs School of Thought? | 13 Comments »
November 27th, 2008
A happy Thanksgiving to you and yours. Thank you for continuing to read these pretentious polemics–the support is much appreciated. Really, now is the time for us all to give thanks that we’re not being ruled by a gang of ascetic Pilgrims with a predilection for butter churning and ruffled shirts. After all, take a look at good ol’ John Winthrop above; something tells me he wouldn’t have been too into Zappa.
Download:
MP3: Tyrannosaurus Rex-”The Pilgrim’s Tale”
MP3: Frank Zappa-”Lonesome Electric Turkey”
MP3: David Crosby-”Wild Turkey (a.k.a. Leather Winged Bat)”
Posted in Miscellany | 4 Comments »
November 26th, 2008
Between the listening party preview and my eventual LA Weekly review of the Kanye record, I think I’ve said my peace.
As predicted, it seems to be a love-it or hate-it proposition. So now that you’ve heard it, which one is it?
Download:
MP3: Kanye West-”Love Lockdown”
MP3: Kanye West-”Heartless”
Posted in LA Weekly | 16 Comments »
November 25th, 2008
I’d have been inclined to post on Confessions of a Would-Be Hipsters’ new compilation off blog name alone, but when I found out that the proceeds would benefit Los Angeles’ longest-running homeless shelter, The Midnight Mission, it was a no-brainer.
Available for $10 digital purchase at E-Junkie, the album features exclusive original holiday songs from such local favorites as Earlimart, The Monolators, Great Northern, Princeton and recent Asthmatic Kitty signees, Fol Chen.
More info about the compilation and a complete tracklisting can be found here.
Download:
MP3: Let’s Go Sailing-”Icicles (Plastic Snow Session)”
* * *
While I’ve got you on the line, thought I might also share the above video from New York’s The Sniper Twins. I tend not to ride for anything remotely resembling white people ironic rap, save for unreleased Passion of the Weiss classic “Ain’t Nuthin’ But a Hipster Party.” Granted, there’s probably something a bit too Samberg-esque about “Stack the Memory,” but it made me laugh when I was sober. So, there’s that.
Posted in Miscellany, News | No Comments »
November 25th, 2008
Sach O has been described as “like James Bond in an Octagon, with two razors.”
So kid, you’ve been away at Art school for a few months now. You’ve settled into your dorm and hung up your Che Guevara flag and vintage Pixies poster; you’ve tried a few new drugs and you’ve passed at least one test while totally still drunk. Isn’t it time you did something productive…like form a band? Sounds like a good idea, huh? It’ll be just like that Oliver Stone movie with Val Kilmer! You might even get laid! Well, not so fast sport, you can’t just pick up a guitar, find yourself a disgruntled poet as a lead singer, and call yourself the next Weezer, lest you want to sound like the current Weezer. With so many different bands to emulate, how would you know who to sound like? (What? You thought you’d try something original? Good luck with those reviews!) Thankfully I’m here to help: I can’t tell you what to sound like but here are 10 acts that you should definitely not try to sound like if you want any chance of your band standing out. These acts have seen their style recycled so many times that even they don’t want to sound like themselves anymore.
- David Bowie
Granted we all love Bowie: his persona was the only funny part of that Flight of the Concords TV show and the Berlin trilogy has influenced countless awesome bands…but that’s the problem. Bowie worship is to the 00’s as Beatles worship was to Britpop: a suffocating all encompassing shadow that keeps people thinking inside the box. If young Bowie were around today, he wouldn’t sound anything like an old Bowie record. So make like young Bowie, not like old young Bowie. Get it?
- The Velvet Underground and Lou Reed
Blah blah blah every band that heard their debut formed a band. Is that why there are so many terrible rock groups with pretentious lyrics and detuned guitars out there? Beloved by indie kids for eschewing pot-driven noodling in favour of heroin chic poetry, The Velvets have been so utterly cannibalized by uncreative rock disciples that most new acts don’t even realise who they’re stealing from. Combine this with the fact that both Reed and his disciples had major insecurity issues with 60’s rock and it’s no wonder contemporary indie is so boring and humorless. Bump some Frank Zappa instead: he thought they sucked balls and feuded with Lou Reed to his deathbed.
- Joy Division (or most Post-Punk for that matter)
The Velvets for the eyeliner set aren’t quite as imitated as their forebears but that’s mostly because you can’t duplicate Martin Hammet’s production in Garage Band and Robert Smith’s steelo was easier to crib than Ian Curtis’. Still, their influence persists whenever some fauxteur uses the word “angular” and in the fashion sense of millions of emo kids. Take it from New Order: if the band itself can get over Joy Division and learn how to dance, I’m sure you can too. Love for my ears will tear us apart…from your myspace page.
- Wu-Tang Clan
Wu-Tang may very well be my favourite act ever so it’s with great sadness that I announce that you shouldn’t try to sound anything like them if you’re reading this post. Because if you are, I doubt that you grew up in Staten Island in the early 80’s, checking out Kung Fu flicks in Times Square and battling on the ferry ride back home. Instead, you probably grew up in the suburbs, really liked 36 Chambers and decided to form a rap crew. Chances are you’ll sound incredibly dorky, won’t contribute anything worthwhile to rap music and you’ll end up dropping a Neptunes sound-alike record in frustration 3 years later. Stick to spinning records at 90’s nights.
- Prince
Biting Prince has become shorthand for “artiness that record labels can sell” among black musicians. The formula is predictable: release a few dope rap records and when you run out of ideas, throw on Signs O the Times and cut a catchy single with a drum machine and a synthesizer. Except that it’s lazy, uncreative and doesn’t even sound that cool and futuristic anymore. Seriously, we need emcees to be on the ball with their next shit: if you guys don’t come up with something new who will? White people? Baby, don’t waste your time, I know what’s on your mind… and you can never take the place of that man.
- Sonic Youth (or Radiohead for that matter)
Number 6 should have been number 1 to me. Because really there’s nothing the world needs less than another experimental college rock band that’s full of its own shit. Take some anti-depressants, hire a fucking prostitute, get smashed in a club, take a walk in the park…whatever works for you. But under NO circumstances do I want to hear you cut a vaguely noisy, quasi-electronic record for douchy undergrads to slice their wrists to while they complain about how the economy is cutting into their allowance. In fact, if you even considered sounding like these guys, do the world a favour and quit music entirely.
- Anything 70’s and German
Jah, ze Germans had to vork really hard to make those records: lots of fantastic drumming and innovation to come up with those minimal grooves and some truly talented guitar playing as vell. Vhat’s dis? You vant to do ze same thing by looping up drums in ze sequencer? And you vant to recite bad poetry to it in English? And you’re from Nebraska? NEIN!!!! Das Stopen!!!!
Exception: if you plan to sample the nihilists from the big Lebowski and loop them into your motorik groove. That’d be ok.
- Biggie, Jay-Z or Nas
Who’s the best emcee? I can’t call it but if you want to be next best, stay away from the big 3. If you spend your time looking up to them like an annoying younger sibling, how am I supposed to take you seriously? Plus no one’s selling records sounding like a 90’s coke kingpin anymore: the Clipse went double wood and the kids are into dancing and non-sequiturs. By all means, if you find some dope boom-bap beats, rip them to shreds but please, do so with originality and forgo the hero worship. And that goes double for 2-Pac.
- My Bloody Valentine (or Neutral Milk Hotel for that matter)
If you sound half as good as these bands, knock yourself out. These are fantastic musicians whose influence hasn’t been properly synthesized into pop culture on account of their pre-fame disappearances. The only problem is, Kevin Shields and Jeff Mangum are geniuses and you’re not so any attempt at imitating their sound will result in an awful wall of sludge or the acoustic equivalent of a cat in a blender. I miss these guys as much as the next man… but face it: we’re just going to have to play out the originals because there’s no way that your tribute will hold a candle. On the other hand, feel free to crib notes from the new Portishead album.
- The Smiths
The this, The that…but you’re all just wick-wick wack. Tired naming convention aside, these jaded reactionaries who capitalized on the British music press’ ambivalence towards black/dance music are nothing to emulate. And yet, this decade has bred a surplus of “ironic” bands with campy vocalists, pretentious female fanbases and guitarists that don’t hold a candle to Johnny Marr. Don’t do it.
I can tell you’re still on the fence, perhaps you’ve seen Garden State one too many times? Fine, I’ll compromise, your band CAN sound like the Smiths but here’s a list within a list of reasons your singer shouldn’t sound like anything like Morrissey:
-
- Hated on Rap music from the beginning
- Essentially invented metro-sexuality years ahead of time.
- Militant Vegetarian and PETA member.
- Was not referring to Khaled when he said “hang the DJ”
- Talks shit about artists, can’t back it up then acts like a bitch.
- Histrionic political statements embarrass the left
- Ironic infatuation with racism was never funny
- Come on: the guy’s a total douche.
Bonus: 5 acts that were played out 10 years ago that sound new again…
The Stone Roses/Happy Mondays: The next big thing. Count on it.
Parliament-Funkadelic and James Brown: funk is back! Seriously!
The Beastie Boys: Hipster rap starts here.
The Beatles: Even death can’t stop these guys. You know someone’s going to sound like them sometime in the next 5 years and make a gang of money.
Posted in Sach O | 14 Comments »
